Books

Furiously Happy

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I loved this book. A lot.

It’s the first book in a very long time that made me laugh out loud. I went into it not having read Jenny Lawson’s first book, and with out knowing anything about it. All I knew was that the squirrel on the cover made me smile every time I passed it at work. Under that cover I found someone who struggles with a lot of the same things I do. It is full of frank discussions about depression and anxiety. But it is incredibly funny. As I come from a family that is always inappropriately laughing through life I felt so at home. Reading a book that makes you feel a little less alone in your struggle what ever that may be is like an hour of good therapy.  Furiously Happy isn’t a self-help book, but it got through to me better than any Brene Brown or Sarah Knight ever could.

 

 

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Uncategorized

What it means to fall back in love…

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Depression is a reality for me. When I was younger it was hard to get people to understand. The reoccurring argument went “Why can’t you just make yourself go to School?” “Because I can’t” isn’t an explanation that anyone can understand. But that is what depression is. It’s not being able to explain why you suddenly cannot stop watching Angel reruns and get out of bed, or why you got on the bus to go to school but ended up sleeping all day on your grandmas couch. It is having the best intentions but being betrayed by your brain.  I am not medicated, and the one time I was I got so anxious and low that I couldn’t function. So I have found other coping mechanisms that work for me. A big inspiration for me even writing this comes from a friend of mine who has a mental health issue and asked how I manage my depression. I went through my brain and made a list of what I do to try to stop it before it happens or how to live through the dark to get to the light… I work hard to fill my home with things that I love, and that make me happy. I have walls of books and movies, posters of art that I love, photos of friends and family. My fiancee is a big part of that. He is the thing in my house that makes me that happiest. But to be honest, the thing that really helps is my pets. They need me to take care of them. And having someone who is dependant on me for their well being has been what has kept me away from the darkest corners of my emotions for a very long time.

But something that I haven’t been leaning on for a very long time is music… I stopped exploring new things or seeking comfort in old favourites. I feel out of love. My phone is filled with podcasts, not playlists. I used to be the girl who made playlists for every occasion and every person in my life. I have had people tell me they still have cds I made them. And that friend I mentioned earlier told me how helpful the cds I gave her have been. She asked for another playlist to help with difficult time in her life…. at first I was hesitant to agree. Because I didn’t immediately have a list of songs to rattle off like I used to.

I don’t want to get to hippy dippy, but it has been an amazing journey of rediscovery. I forgot just how much a song can affect me. I also forgot just how deeply it goes… how a piece of music can become a part of my identity. Some things just feel stitched into my soul. Suddenly only being able to pick 5 songs for the dj to play at my wedding became a huge problem. I have more to say about the happiest day of my life than 5 songs Mr DJ-With-A-Light-Show-Guy. Having everyone I love in one place requires so much more joy than that.

 

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Podcasts

Podcats….? No. Podcasts.

I do not drive. I have a learners permit which I have held for more then 5 years with out actually learning to drive. That doesn’t mean I don’t commute. I ride my bike or walk for about a hour a day… weather to work or running errands. And before you ask… yes I can read and walk. But I am still new to the area and do not trust myself to do so safely. So, I listen to a lot of podcasts.

The Vinyl Cafe & The Q

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Both podcasts are presented by the CBC which served as my introduction to podcasts and to a lot of the Canadian music I love to this day. (I really miss Grant Lawrence’s Radio 3 podcasts. I’m still getting used to the Q without Shad.)

These were the podcasts that started it all. I remember listening on an iPod nano on the bus to high school.

No Such Thing As A Fish / Gilmore Guys

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The ones that brought it all back. I had stopped listening to podcasts for a long time But them Serial happened and they became good again.My now fiancee, then boyfriend and I were about to embark on an 8 hour road trip and since we don’t agree much on music, I sought out something else for our long car rides. No Such Thing was our something else. He is an ex pat who loves QI so we listened to ever available episode on our next 20 car rides.

Gilmore Guys was different. I live in a constant state of watching Gilmore Girls. I listened to the backlog of episodes and now listen every week, no matter how much Demi hates Bunheads.

True Crime Casts…. Mysteries – Lore, Unexplained, True Crime Garage, My Favorite Murder, Thinking Sideways, You Must Remember This

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I have always loved a creepy story. It all stems from a life of too much A& E and national enquirer… and also being a blonde child in the 90’s I grew up with a sincere fear that I would be the next Jaycee Dougard, JonBenet Ramsay, or Elizabeth  Smart. I always keep one mystery/thriller in my reading rotation as I know these are the stories I devour easiest.

X-Files Files, Buffering The Vampire Slayer

I love feeling like someone else is as obsessed as I am. Max and I love X-Files… one of our dogs is named Scully. And I love Feminist fangirls talking all things Buffy.

 

 

 

 

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Books, Wedding

Weddiculous by Jamie Lee

img_2079Many of you know that I’m getting married this year… I took my engagement as an invitation to dive deep in to the pinterest world and have allowed myself to get wrapped up in a lot of the minutiae Big Bridal tells me to worry about. Reading Jamie Lee’s book Weddiculous has been both grounding and hilarious.

Her honesty has really helped me refocus on what matters… My partner and our families. We are throwing an awesome party to celebrate our love and it really doesn’t matter to me if some one shows up in cargo shorts.

Jamie Lee will feel like a new friend and will become your honorary bridesmaid. She will also make you toss our all those $30 bridal magazines because her advice is just so much fucking better.

 

 

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Uncategorized

Working towards a deadline….

I’m applying to a creative writing workshop so I have not, and likely will not blog much leading up to my application submission date. I find that writing on a deadline that is not just imposed by my self has been one of the best things to break my procrastination. It is also helping me overcome some of my writing anxiety. Hooray for submission deadlines!!

 

 

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Books, Television

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

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“A thumping good detective-ghost-horror-who dunnit-time travel-romantic-musical-comedy-epic” – The Author

It wasn’t until the series came on Netflix that I remembered how much I loved this book. Even though the two only seem to have a main character in common. As most things concocted by Douglas Adams the humour is hugely in the absurdity of it all. The recent show feels like a fever dream mash up of doctor who and Scott Pilgrim.

I didn’t know this until I googled the book to get the above photo, but Dirk Gently began its life as an episode of the amazing long running and much beloved Doctor Who television program.  To be honest I’ve fallen out of love with the good Doctor in the last few years. I just got bored with it, and was unable to get passed newest regeneration. Dirk Gently (the show) is a good replacement. Plus there is a really cute dog.

 

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About Me

Sex and the not so single girl…

From this title I am sure you are expecting some kind of Carrie Bradshaw monologue… well, I’ll try not to disappoint.

I come from a family where I am considered a prude. My mom always told me to put on more make up or show off a bit more of what I was given. (in a loving and endearing way) My parents will be the first ones to tell you that the best vacation of their lives happened at Hedonism. Through the lens of my life, I am downright puritanical.

I have friends, female friends, who are open about their love for pornography. Who use their favourite porno as an icebreaker at parties… I have never been that girl. As a woman with more curiosity than I can manage, I have explored that world. I have looked at images and films meant to arouse and I feel that my imagination along with the real stories I have read from the porn production world do not allow me to disassociate enough to enjoy such an enterprise.

I prefer my eroticisim in long form.  I love the story. I want to see the hesitation and intimacy of holding hands for the first time… the slow lingering first caress of hidden flesh. I want a story that I can close my eyes and imagine my self in. With the written word as opposed to something that is image based… It’s possible.  I am able to imagine MYSELF, instead of a busty blonde in cake face makeup and a neon g string… Reality, is sexy.

I have a healthy sexual appetite, (sorry to the family reading this who still see me as a blonde 7 year old obsessed with free willy, but honestly lets free that willy, amiright?)  I am  NOT a prude or a puritan. I have seen the buzzfeed posts of pornstars before the make up and prefer those women. I understand the want for beauty, but the narrative needs to change… The moments I feel sexiest to myself and my partner are when I feel the most like ME.

I just spent a decent amount of time arguing the merits of erotic fiction and why it has mass appeal to women and I think a huge contributing factor is the freedom of imagination. I feel that with the written word we are more able to imagine ourselves as the protagonist in the story. I feel that if we saw more blank slates or at least a version of ourselves and our wants  in erotic content there would be a much larger audience.

I am a white, straight woman in Canada. I am privileged. There are so many more important things for people to fight for…  I feel that accurate representation of all women in all our forms is a small thing that can lead to a greater understanding. Right now we see only a few facets… lets seek more, less lacquered versions. There are thousands upon thousands of women who marched today wanting more… there are many battles, both big and small that are still waging for woman in every kind of world the earth provides. Let’s stand together and ask for more.

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